The Pain of Not Being Pursued

INTRO

Many things have happened this month. I want to share how beautiful Western China was, I want to put into words how gaping the language barrier was, and go into details about being followed around by (no exaggeration) twenty Chinese officials for a over a week, but what I need to share with you all is the pain I have experienced of not being pursued. 

My friend Kathryn (shout out) brought a book on this trip called The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer. Tozer is someone I’ve heard a lot about growing up in church, but I’ve never been exposed to his written works until now. I’m a fast reader, but the editor blatantly advised the readers to take it slowly and read a chapter a day. Although I prefer not to be told how to read a book, I followed the advice; ten very short chapters took me ten days to read, but what a precious time it was! I promise I’m not going to do it justice in this dinky post, but this book has spurred me into pursuing God like never before and I encourage you to read it along with the Bible.

STORY TIME

Growing up I loved the two games that every child knows: tag and hide and seek. My childhood friends could tell you I was THE BEST at hiding. I always could wedge myself into a creative spot where no one would find me. I’d wait until they would give up searching for me and come out at an opportune time so as to “save” my place for a future game. One time I had such a good hiding spot and they were taking a long time to find me. I had to pee so bad that I decided to intentionally wet my pants. After they finally gave up, I went in the house and changed my clothes and never told them. True story.

However, I do admit I ALWAYS HATED BEING IT. I hated having to chase people in tag and I hated having to look for people in hide and seek. I feel the same could be said for my spiritual life. I’m great at hiding from God (I mean as great as a mere human can be at hiding from someone who is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient). I’m not great at pursuing God. I already suck at running so how can I be in pursuit of something that I cannot see? Tozer dove into these questions that I had and helped me wrap my mind and heart around it.

REAL TALK

Being gone for eleven months, life continues on without you. I’ve missed weddings, births, and friends transitioning into new living situations. I’m accustomed to this disappointment since moving to the other side of the country. But something I’ve realized, and will publicly admit to now, is how hurt I’ve been from not being pursued by those past and present relationships.

When I left on this trip, I intentionally decided to try not to contact my friends through social media or email for a period of time. I’m the proactive one about keeping in contact, but I was determined to see who would reach out.

Out of all the friends I had and who I thought might, only one did.

That hurt.

It still hurts.

Then, it happened with my team this month.

I began to feel really isolated from them. I didn’t feel included. I felt more loved by a Chinese official who was being PAID to track me down than I did by my own team*. Aren’t they suppose to be the hands and feet of Christ? Aren’t they suppose to love me better than anyone else? 

When we got together to have feedback, I confessed I was feeling this way. It was so hard for me to share this because in doing so I felt needy. Blech! No! I’m a strong independent woman who don’t need a team of girls to make me feel loved. I can admit when I’ve made a mistake or did something wrong, but to admit I have a NEED is a sin. But it turns out it’s not a sin, the sin is not sharing because pride was masquerading as strength. 

By not being pursued, I believed the lies that echo in my mind telling me I’m not worth it.

I felt forgotten.

I felt unwanted.

I felt needy.

I. Hated. It.

CONCLUSION

After confessing to my team, they surrounded me with truth. They cast out the fear that I was unwanted, shared honest observations and have given me wings with their love.

In further discussion with a friend, we had a break through in our own unique relationship on this trip. But during our talk, I felt lead to write a letter to those friends back home both in LA and Michigan. It wasn’t a letter of condemnation or accusation, but an invitation for them to see the pain I’ve been carrying. By being humble and vulnerable, I wanted to experience freedom from this pursuit-wound and allow God to bind up my broken-heart. 

After I sent it, many have responded and it has given me such joy to read their responses! It has helped me rebuke the lie of not being loved with the evidence of their testimony and also hear out where they are at in life. Now I am experiencing freedom and healing from that weight that I have been dragging around for too long and I think others are beginning to experience it as well.

LIFE LESSON

What I’ve learned from this is to get better at expressing what I need and not allowing my emotions to get the better of me.

I hope that this post encourages you because it comes from a place of victory! I am now walking in a place of freedom and I want to carry this with me forward into my future relationships. It’s hard sustaining and making friends after the college years, but through it all I’ve learned a new dependence on God to provide for those needs and to be honest with the people He has placed in front of me and to not make those relationships idols in my life. God first, everything else second.

KYRGYZSTAN

My team and I are on our way to Kyrgyzstan to continue to be salt and light whatever the circumstances. I need your help to get us there! I am still raising money for this journey and let me just say every dollar has been worth it! The train ticket that cost $20 that got us to our next city may have smelled like a World Cup locker room, but the prayers we’ve offered to God for the people we’ve met along the way have been a sweet cologne to Him. Our $5 a day meal budget has not always been filling, but the healing that has come through honest conversations has made it worth it (read blog again). You can help by donating here at my blog.

*Side note: They had a really hard time keeping track of me and would always ask where I was. My friends were annoyed because they would get asked EVERYDAY where I was. I thought it was hilarious. Hide and Seek Queen doing what she does best. *ohhhhh snap*