I’ve been feeling burdened for some time to write and share these thoughts beyond the binding of my journal.
It’s now been over a year since my squad and I have come back from the trip we took on the World Race. Or fourteen months. But who’s counting?
My Year Back: A Timeline
December 2018
Reveling in the familiar of culture and catching up on sleep.
January 2019
Project Search Light and celebrating my birthday with the squad
February 2019
Depression hitting like a ton of bricks.
March through May 2019
Working part time at a home improvement store and still trying to process my thoughts, lessons, and emotions from the past year.
Early May 2019
Went to Korea to visit Sara and Ashley which was so good for my soul. Taught English which helped offset the cost of the journey.
Mid-May 2019
Hiked 40-50 miles on Isle Royale with my cousin.
Late May 2019
Moved to Detroit and started my first day at a coding bootcamp called Tech Elevator.
June 2019
God lead me to the church I’m at now and have been attending ever since.
July 2019
My aunt, whom I found out in Kyrgyzstan was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, passed away after a fierce struggle. She was strong until the end and I’m glad she is at peace with Jesus now. I miss her.
August 2019
My first time being a bridesmaid in a California wedding. Got a job offer. Finished bootcamp.
September 2019
Started job at an awesome place where I learn daily to die to myself and to love people as Jesus does.
October 2019
Nora, my squad mate, came to visit me before she left again for the field. Her visit brightened my month.
November 2019
Started kickboxing which has been good for the mind, body, and soul.
December 2019
“Wow. It’s been a year since I’ve been back from the Race. I need to write and share what’s been going on in my life…”
January 2020
Celebrated my birthday with my parents and then flew down to North Carolina for Ari’s wedding. I don’t normally like going to weddings, but that was a really special occasion. I was able to celebrate a couple who I know will pursue God with everything they got and got to hang with some of the squad again. It was good to share our pain from the past year. Turns out I wasn’t the only one struggling.
We’ve made it to February and this is what I’ve learned this past year.
LESSONS
This year has been hard and that’s an understatement. But through it all I’ve seen God’s hand in it. I’ve learned to have more dependence on him and less on myself. He has blessed me, comforted me, and disciplined me.
I’ve also been learning not to hold grudges when people let me down or don’t follow through. What does Jesus say to do? Love them. Pray for them. Forgive them. I’m learning to be quick to forgive.
In my loneliness, I fought to not become hard and bitter. That’s what I did when I lived in Los Angeles. I adopted the attitude that I didn’t need people. But God broke me and taught me that I do need the body of Christ.
But how do you balance a dependence on God and yet realize your need for the body of Christ? What about when the church is absent? Complacent? Apathetic? Asleep?
When in doubt, I turn to God. He sees things better than I do. I don’t have the answers, but I know he does. Jesus didn’t make bread out of the rocks when he was being tempted by Satan, but he knew God could make sons of Abraham if he wanted to. If God wants to bless me with a community of depth like I had, he can if he wants to. Even out of rocks.
WHERE I’M AT NOW
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one running after Jesus. That I’m the only one in my life, my work, and my church that desperately desires him. What do you do when you think you’re the only one? Maybe you feel that way too.
Be the only one. And be the best that you can be. People will think you’re weird, that you’re trying to play a “holier than thou” act, but that’s quite the contrary.
Luke 18:13
“But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’
I echo the words of the Apostle Paul and say “Jesus Christ came to save sinners, of whom I am the worst.”
A.W. Tozer said, “The holiest apostle can claim no more than that he is an unprofitable servant.”
What can God do with this broken vessel?
Am I willing to be pliable in the hands of the Potter?
Or will I get comfortable in my sin and settle for less than seeking his Kingdom here on Earth?
May my prayer always be, “More of you, God, and less of me.”
To be continued.
My dear Heidi : I am praying for you, daily. God will lead you in new and exciting places in your future. Always know you are loved !
Aunt Fay
Sweet friend, I about fell out of my chair when I opened this email saying you had an update! I have been praying for you and thinking of you often. I love reflecting back over the years and seeing how God has grown me and how he continues to allow me to see the growth. You are not alone sister! Love you lots and can’t wait to see what God has planned for you next.