Flashback

FLASHBACK – KATHMANDU, NEPAL

We were all gathered together in a small dining room on the bottom floor of our hostel. It was JD’s turn to lead that morning’s devotions. I don’t remember what he talked about, but his activity was for us to write a poem. I remember being like, THANK GOD because I need to write something!

I was in a dark place mentally and spiritually. I was wrestling with my thought life and I needed a creative outlet for my emotions. Writing is my safe harbor; it has always been a way I have processed things.

I wrote this down in one breath. It poured out of me like a bitter poison, one sentence after another that began to describe my messy mental state. Everything that I had been wrestling with just flowed from my pen.

JD asked if anyone wanted to read theirs out loud? No, I don’t, but I’m going to. 

One by one people publicly offered up their poems.

Every time I was about to launch into mine, I had to hit the brakes because someone beat me to the punch. God, this is torture.

There was only time for one more poem. I was the last recitation.

I made it about eight sentences in when I just broke down weeping. I silently handed my journal to Leah who was sitting next to me and pointed to where I left off. She read the rest of the poem in its entirety for me.

This is what she read:

I Don’t Trust You

I don’t trust you.

My perception of God is off. Is He a good Father or a malicious Dictator?

Does God love me unconditionally or am I simply fashioned to hold the garbage of these doubts?

I’m written on the palms of His hand. Am I simply a vaporous pawn in His game?

I’m made in His image. Is it to be simply toyed with?

I’m hurting right now.

My ears are deaf to your voice. You say you’re proud of me, but why?

You say do not fear intimacy with you, but time after time I’ve struggled alone. Broken. Disregarded.

Is that how you treat a “precious daughter”?

Love me one moment and leave me the next.

Self-loathing. I hate myself for not loving you.

Wrath is the coals in my heart that when stoked and provoked blazes like a fiery furnace threatening to destroy me. This does not bring about the godliness you require.

I don’t trust people because they have proven themselves untrustworthy.

Why would you plant eternity into man when he is nothing?

You can destroy as quickly as you create and you take pleasure in both.

Maybe I’m senseless and need a bridle, but you know how much I hate being controlled.

Maybe like Job I need to be humbled, but Job was a better man than me. Maybe I just need to be destroyed.

How can I bring about a life that pleases God when I harbor these toxic emotions?

These are the honest confessions of a sinner, bound to grace, and seeking to find understanding while trying to learn how to trust.

Afterwards, there was a still calm like after a storm. My poem held us captive by the stark contrast it provided to the previous ones. How I wished I would have been able to write one of those cheery pieces!

One by one my squad and leaders began to pray for me while I continued to sob.

PRESENT DAY – BISHKEK, KYRGYZSTAN

Something inside me broke that day and I experienced true peace. It was as if I had to make that public confession in order to find healing. (James 5:16)

I remember just thinking I could sit in a field of wildflowers and be totally content staring at the sky and thanking God for what He did. Maybe that’s the high stoners are seeking when they light up, but I experienced it without the aid of substances.

Other squad mates came up to me and thanked me for sharing. They told me what bits really spoke to them as well. That was not the response I was expecting at all, but I learned that we are never alone in our doubts or our pain.

I never want to fake it with God. I never want to cover up my true feelings with false piety. I want to love and trust God with all my heart, soul, and strength. It’s part of my journey and I’m starting to get glimpses of what that looks like.

Also, I’m only $1,334 away from being fully fundraised. If you would like to help, you can donate here at my blog. Thank you!