I really don’t want to write this blog. It’s not funny and it’s not uplifting, but it’s the truth.
Sometimes I feel like Moses. When I talk it comes out asdflehxuhsodbeknxdn, but when I’m able to take the time to write down my thoughts it comes out a bit more clear and concise. I think that’s why I usually like blogging and sharing what’s going on because I consider it a strength.
For me, the purpose of this blog is to share my stories of what I’m doing and what God is doing with my team in the places we’ve traveled. But what about when you don’t really know what God is doing?
Sri Lanka has not been great for me.
I have never desired to travel here. It was not on our original route, but things change (love deeply, hold loosely). To decide how they would place us on teams, they had us write down two cities from a list of six cities in Sri Lanka. We prayed about which ones to write down and if I’m honest, I did not hear anything.
I ended up getting put on a team with my second choice and the only reason I put that city down was because of Rihanna. (Ella, ella, ella…)
While we have been in our city, two of our squad leaders visited us and ran us through the ringer with sessions. Inner healing, grief, sin…bleeeeh. Hard hitting topics that most people would run to the hills before they would even think to dredge up those old wounds again.
A lie I believe is that I am unloved and unwanted.
I’m struggling.
I’m struggling to love not only the people around me, but myself.
Tomorrow I’ll be better. In the future, I know I’ll have an encouraging story to share. But right now life sucks and that’s okay.
I pray for you that tomorrow is better!!! Thank you for sharing the difficult times and the good.
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Stupid autocorrect! It’s supposed to be ???
I give up, three hearts. Representing the love from the trinity
I give up, three hearts. Representing the love from the trinity
In our weakness, He is strong. You are loved. Very loved!!
God will wound us in the place we were wounded for the same reason doctors will re-break broken bones. So that it can heal properly. You’ll get through this and be stronger at the end.
Heidi! I cried for you as I read this. God has you right where he wants you and what’s coming will be both hard but so so so good. Praying for you sister! You are loved and wanted!
Dear Heidi,
What you are feeling in my humble opinion is the oppression of India and the other countries you have visited. Women are disregarded, control and tradition along with a caste system is alive and well. In your exuberance to love others your feeling the weight of being born in freedom with loving parents and opportunity and possibly feeling you have never fully appreciated all you have. You have turned your guilt (for lack of a better word) into self loathing. What I want you to feel is encouraged. You are a vibrant, honest, exuberant woman with a love of adventure and challenge and God is using that natural curiosity on “your” journey of life. You are on a road of discovery that shows you the beauty of each soul but also the ugly underbelly of wicked systems, generational beliefs and counterfeit religions. The thing to remember is we can’t save anyone but we can plant seeds and show love and let God work His will. Remember the one who knows you best, loves you the most and Heidi that’s the truth! Be proud that you are a woman of courage and conviction and headed into the unknown to tell others about Christ. Your walking the walk and not just talking. Not every moment will be sunshine and rainbows because this world is not our home. Only what’s done for God will last.
I just love reading your blogs whatever thr topic is. It is such a strength man. Thanks for your honesty and processing these hard things we brought up. You are so so loved and i miss you a lot.
Heidi- There is tremendous power in writing, and your honesty is so bold. You have been given a gift to be able to share in this way. Keep going!