The last time I wrote to you was February 2020…and we know what happened after that month. Who knew what the next month had in store for us?
March 2020
Pandemic Begins – The Great Shut Down
And my foray into remote work begins.
April 2020
Temporarily moved in with my parents. This whole thing will be over in a month or two, right?
May 2020
I am so…bored. And lonely.
June 2020
God, I want to dream this year, but it’s hard to see past the sidewalk. Moved back to my apartment. Still wrestling with that loneliness that clings to me.
July 2020
I was moved to a new team at work. I cried on mute. I loved my old team whether they understood it or not. Love deeply, hold loosely.
August 2020
Feeling stuck. But choosing to be thankful.
September 2020
Paid off all my debt! WOOO!! DEBT FREE, BABY! And moved into my new apartment. This is the first time I have ever lived alone and not with roommates.
October 2020
Aunt Peggy passed away from COVID.
November 2020
Still feeling stuck. But choosing to be thankful.
December 2020
My sister got COVID and lives with my parents. I spent Christmas and New Year’s alone. I rode my bike around in the snow.
January 2021
Andrea Potter and I got to go to Buffalo, NY to witness the marriage of two former racers: our friend Nora Cox and Brant Copen. It was such a blessing to be there. They are still fundraising to go to India!
February 2021
2/13/2021 UNREACHED
“God, when I was on a bus in Nepal I felt clearly that you were telling me that I would return to the States, go back to school, and learn a new language.
It all came to pass.
I thought how my role was to spread your gospel here in the workplace among my co-workers, but I still feel the pull to go. Where? I don’t know.”
March 2021
3/7/2021 THIS IS HOW I FEEL
“I am not wanted.
No one pursues me.
I was always gifted at finding the best hiding spots growing up and playing hide-n-go-seek. They were pretty creative spots. But now I feel like I’m hiding in plain sight. No one cares. No one looks or even sees.
I could write all my old friends out of my life and they wouldn’t even notice.
Why do I care so much?
God, I’m not sure what to do other than share my brokenness right now. This is honestly how I feel.
Psalm 6:3
‘I am sick at heart. How long, O LORD, until you restore me?'”
My mom was hospitalized with COVID. This year sucks.
April 2021
First dose of Pfizer. No weird side effects.
4/5/2021 MENTAL HEALTH
“God, what if I lose my fight with this darkness? Will you be there even if I fall? I keep getting back up, but I’m not sure how much of this existence I can take…I experienced healing on the Race. Then, I came home and it was really hard. Then, [coding] bootcamp, quarantine, to now. It feels like it’s been one giant struggle with brief moments of sunshine.”
Met up with my arch-nemesis friend Ashley in Washington DC. This trip was so good for my heart, mind, and soul.
May 2021
Second dose of Pfizer. Felt lethargic and dizzy. Slept it off.
June 2021
Chicago road trip with a coworker and hanging with my World Race buds, Erica Nichols and Andrea Potter. It’s always a good time being around friends that will encourage you, pray for you, and have fun!
July 2021
My good friend Nick Dixon passed away from COVID. He was only 42 years old.
August 2021
And now we are here.
It’s been hard.
I’ve been pressed, but not crushed. I’ve walked through the fire, but didn’t burn up. I’m stronger now than I was before, but I also see that even then I am terribly weak.
Why am I writing this blog? Am I just some former Racer that just can’t get beyond the “glory days” of the Race and want to recapture it again?
No.
Philippians 3:12-14
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
I’m writing to share that God is good! He promised He would never leave me and he hasn’t failed me yet. Even though I wrestle with this rebellious heart I “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
Be encouraged. He won’t fail you either. Seek Him while He can be found.
Praise God! Because He is worthy.
Even when COVID almost killed my mom and someone has the audacity to question if she “really had COVID”.
Praise God! For he “mocks the mockers but is gracious to the humble.”
Even when I was in mental anguish and loneliness was my constant companion.
Praise God! For he never left me and gave me the strength to endure.
God is not done with me yet.
I’m just getting started.
